How do I know?

 How do I know where to start? My depression has won on several occasions. There are lots of times I don't feel like doing anything around the house. Doing the dishes takes hours. It took me 3-4 hours just to finish washing the dishes. I have to do it by hand and it took forever. If there was an automatic dishwasher, it'd be different. Doing it by hand, it takes a long time. Here's why it's hard to start. My brain tells me I'm not doing it right. That's where the depression and anxiety lies to me. Doing it is not the hard part. Starting it is the hard part. I don't know where to start. Finishing is easy, as long as I start.

Cleaning isn't hard. It's really not. How do I know that I'll be okay? And you're probably wondering how I have anxiety and depression because I'm a Christian. Listen! I'm a human being. Therefore, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that gives me mental health issues. So don't believe that since I'm a Christian, that makes me less human. As a Christian, I have Jesus Christ in my heart. But as I said, I'm still a human being. I have health issues, I have a brain, and I'm able to have issues. 

I don't believe it's fair that I'm told that I can't judge because the Bible says not to judge (which is true), but I'm being judged just as harshly. How do I know I can make a difference in any conversation? You have already judged me by knowing that I'm a member of the Church of Christ, and you've not given me the chance to show you or talk to you about who I am. I guess my biggest concern or whatever it is, is that people just get mad that I say I'm a Christian and I'm already pigeon holed into a group that you have made up your mind about. And that's not fair because you don't want me to do that to you! Do you? No of course not! So give me a break!

How do I know I'll be okay? I mean someone can tell me I'll be okay, but that doesn't mean my brain believes it. Words are easy when someone else says them. It's also at the point that I will sit in a chair and stare at the sink. I start to feel overwhelmed because I let the dishes pile up in the sink. And doing dishes isn't the only thing I struggle to do. Stay with me. 

Go on a journey with me. At the tender age of twelve (12) years old, my parents had me tested because they knew something wasn't clicking in my head when it came to school. Turns out I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. And I'm not saying this to be trendy and I wasn't diagnosed by Dr. TikTok or Dr. Google. It took years to learn coping skills when it came to being in school or any part of my life, really. I had actual counselors and psychologists test me and verify that I have ADD. I know how to read, I can do math, and I'm a smart person. I just learn differently. I was not a normal child. What is normal really? I digress. 

I've tried for years to understand why my brain does what it does. In later years I learned that I have depression. Again, diagnosed by a therapist. When I found out this out, it explained A LOT! How I struggled with everyday tasks. Like doing dishes, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, washing my hair. Thee things shouldn't be difficult. And those things aren't difficult when someone has normal brain chemistry. I know what you must be thinking. "Melissa, aren't you a Christian? If you have Jesus Christ, you shouldn't be depressed or anxious about anything." And as true as that is, having Christ in my heart doesn't mean that my brain chemistry is normal. It's a physiological defect inside my head that I was born with that I have no control over. And of course I could take meds. I have taken medications for it. I didn't like that way I felt. I was in a fuzz and didn't feel normal or like myself. I felt like I was in a fuzz or a haze and even my husband said I wasn't the same person. So I asked a therapist about coping skills. She gave me a plethora of activities to take me through the day. I've learned to get through an hour or two with what she gave me. And it works.